


Requiem

by Starisia



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Coping, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-25
Updated: 2011-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-03 01:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starisia/pseuds/Starisia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I can almost feel his lips against mine, his fingers running through my hair, his ebony locks between my fingers. They were such small things, but they are the things that hurt the most knowing I will never feel them again... One-Shot for Yullen Week 2011</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requiem

Allen stared down at the dark wooden coffin, eyes shadowed by snowy locks but it wasn't hard to see the tears that fell from his eyes to the floor like liquid crystal.

"Allen-chan..." Lenalee began, but quickly silenced herself as she noticed Allen gnawing on his lower lip.

It hurt seeing him like this. So many had been lost in the war, but this one death seemed to have caused Allen more pain than all the other's combined. She wasn't surprised, though.

Were Kanda had been like a brother to Lenalee, a close friend to Lavi, and a mere acquaintance to most others, he had been Allen's lover.

She couldn't imagine how much pain Allen was in, how much pain she would have been in if it had been Lavi laying within the shrouded coffin. A fresh wave of tears and pain came over her at the thought. With a heavy heart, she turned her back to Allen and walked away, knowing full well that what was needed was some time alone.

Her only wish was that someday she'd see his smile again.

**S2 S2 S2 S2 S2**

I can't look away, can't stop the flow of tears fall from my eyes no matter how hard I try to fight them back.

I finally give in and let them fall, losing my will to keep them at bay.

Kanda's gone, so what's the point in fighting anymore?

My memories haunt me, gnawing at my core, sending shockwaves of pain through me with each agonizing beat of my half-dead heart.

I can almost feel his lips against mine, his fingers running through my hair, his breath against my ear, his ebony locks between my fingers.

They were such small things, but they are the things that hurt the most knowing I will never feel them again.

I remember the way he'd look at me when we were around others, with a dark, burning passion that sent a shiver down my spine. Most assumed it was hatred that burned in those fathomless cobalt eyes, but those who knew about us knew what it really was.

I couldn't understand how he had been the one to fall, the one that didn't make it home when the fighting was finally done, how he was the one that wouldn't get to see the aftermath of the order's victory.

I've lost my love; my reason to fight is no longer by my side.

My heart is shattered, broken, unable to grasp any feeling outside of endless grief and unimaginable agony.

I want to forget. I want to go back and stop myself from falling for him, from creating all the memories that now tear at my heart, cutting it deeper and deeper with each moment that passes without his voice filling my ears or his sword calloused hand touching my skin.

I jump slightly as a hand rests on my shoulder and look up to meet General Tiedoll's kind smile.

"You shouldn't cry, Allen," he says, but I can see tears in his eyes as well, "Yuu wouldn't want us to mourn him."

I wipe at my eyes, trying to get rid of my tears, and fight back the burning agony that engulfs my heart at the mere mention of my beloved's name.

I know he's right, I know Kanda wouldn't want me to cry over him, but I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I can do aside from letting the pain take its hold on my heart. I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

"Then what should I do?" I ask meeting his tear filled gaze with one of my own, unable to hide the piercing pain in my silver gaze. "I don't know what to do without him."

He gives me a small smile before pulling me into a warm embrace, "Just keep his memory with you and keep living your life."

I lean into him and let my tears fall, my shoulders shaking with choked sobs as I struggle to keep them from escaping my throat. He rubs comforting circles on my back, not seeming the least bit awkward about my current state of mind.

I don't know how long passes before my sobs finally fade to hitched breaths and choked sounds of heartache, and I pull away.

"I-I'm so s-so-" I try to choke out, only to be silenced by a raised hand.

"There's no need to be sorry, Allen."

"But I-"

"Listen to me. You were the one who cared the most about Yuu, so I know that you're also the one hurting the most, but no matter how much it hurts, how much you want the pain to stop, you shouldn't let it defeat you. Keep Yuu's memory alive in your heart and he'll stay with you. That's all you can do."

I open my mouth to reply, but he's already turned his back to me and is heading for the door. I don't call after him, I don't follow - I just sit on the ground beside the coffin that holds my lover's body while I think over General Tiedoll's words.

I know he's right, but that doesn't make the pain that grips my heart any more bearable. I loved -  _love_  Yuu and the mere thought that I'll never see his face again hurts - it hurts so much I almost wish I were the one that had been taken from this world, but at the same time I wouldn't want him to feel this horrid pain that makes it feel as though my heart is being torn to shreds by countless shards of broken glass, each as sharp as my lover's blade.

I never knew pain like this, pain that stabs and tears, destroying not only happiness but hope with the sheer force of overwhelming agony that bears down harder with each breath.

I can't see any escape from it, any reprieve or relief in this seemingly infinite sea of suffering and sorrow - not without my lover.

I don't know how long passes before I feel a hand on my shoulder once more. I look up and meet Komui's gentle gaze. My throat and chest constrict and he doesn't have to say anything. I already understand from the look in his eyes.

It's time.

I feel fresh tears well in my eyes as four finders move around my lover's coffin and lift it, but I don't let them fall - no matter how badly I want to.

They don't pay me any heed as I walk behind them, wanting to stay as close to him as I can before I know it's over and he's really gone.

**S2 S2 S2 S2 S2**

I stand in front of the marker long after the others are gone. I can't comprehend any of this. What remains of my lover is just a few feet before me, but I can't touch him.

Is having him so close meant to be a comfort?

The rain pours around me, but I can't bring myself to care. Even as I'm soaked through, my hair clinging to my forehead and cheeks, my clothes clinging to my slim frame soaked and plastered to my skin, my tears indistinguishable from the drops of water that pour down.

Eventually, though, the cold begins to take its unforgiving hold. I kneel down and run my fingers over the marker one last time, and take my red ribbon from around my neck. I know it's foolish, but I want to leave something with him, something that might bring his spirit peace wherever it is. I carefully tie my ribbon around the vase of flowers Lenalee left here several hours ago.

I force myself to my feet and turn away; wanting to return to the safe reprieve of the bed we once shared. As I reach the door, I look back over my shoulder, giving the marker a rueful smile before heading inside.

When I reach our -  _my_  room I instantly head for the bed, just wanting to curl up under the sheets that still hold a shadow of his wonderful scent, sleep and never wake up, but before I reach that far, a small box lying in the center of the bed catches my eye. I can tell from the design on the lid - a single beautifully painted lotus blossom reaching for the heavens - that this is from General Tiedoll.

I stare at it with dreary eyes for a moment, no longer caring about the cold that penetrates right through to my core, leaving me numb. I kind of like this feeling. There's no more pain in my chest and I can breathe again. I don't feel sorrow or grief, just a dull throb in my chest whenever I allow his face to cross my mind - maybe it's the sight of that lotus that finally makes the pain recede and become a dull ache.

Whether that's it or not, it's a relief to be free of that agony, even if the reprieve is short lived.

I sigh and take the box in hand before sitting on the edge of the bed. It's nothing special from the looks of it, aside from the flawless lotus blossom. It's about six inches long and two inches tall, the lid taking up half its height.

I squint, noticing small calligraphy running along the edges of the lid and my eyes widen a fraction in slight surprise. Their names, all the names of the places Kanda and I have visited over the last couple of years. I examine the box closer, wondering what else I might find, before tears spring to my eyes as I see four words arching over the lotus, so small I'm amazed that I notice them at all.

My hands start to shake a little as I slowly remove the lid and my breath hitches violently in my throat. Suddenly I can't breathe, I feel like my chest is being crushed with emotion, but I can't tell if it's a good one or not. I want to laugh and smile, and scream and cry all at the same time.

Tucked within the box is a small silver frame that holds one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Confident onyx eyes stare back at me, a hint of annoyance clearly visible in their depths and a less noticeable hint of compassion and love hidden behind that, though I'm sure that I'm the only one who would ever be able to notice it. Dark ebony locks spill around broad shoulders, disappearing below the frame, and tatters and tears are clearly noticeable in the exorcist's jacket. My eyes wander to the side where a mirror image of myself stands right beside my deceased lover, his arm wrapped loosely, yet possessively around my shoulders. I can see the happiness and love clear in my gray eyes as I stare at Kanda.

The sketch is without flaw, every line seems to have been drawn with care, even the way the light seems to dance off of my lovers ebony locks just as it had in life. The picture may be drained of color, but it's just as wonderful, just as beautiful, as this moment had been.

I know what this is, when this is. The memory flashes behind my eyes as clear as though it'd happened just minutes ago.

I suddenly remember the feel of his arm wrapped around me, the feeling of pleasure that had raced through my entire being as his breath ghosted over my ear. I'd felt something for Kanda from the first day in the Order, but I didn't know what until we had gotten back to headquarters after Edo.

He'd run into me in one of the corridors, and like always we got into a fight. He said something about hating me so much and called me 'beansprout' yet again, and just when I was about to retort, I'd been pinned against the wall and his lips were on mine. I didn't even think before I was kissing him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and bringing him closer, deepening the kiss, the feel of his lips against mine the most wonderful thing I could have imagined at the time.

The memory of that glorious, earth shattering kiss is second only to the memory the sketch holds. It had been the first time Kanda said he loved me in front of someone else. Before then, we'd kept our relationship secret from everyone, not wanting to attract too much attention and risk one or both of us being put under even more suspicion than we already were.

I remember the shock and happiness I had felt hearing him say that right in front of Tiedoll, Lavi, and Komui. I remember how I'd taken him by surprise when I pulled him into a passion filled kiss, how shocked everyone else had been when, instead of pushing me away, he pulled me closer, taking charge and deepening the kiss by tugging my hair to change the angle before reluctantly breaking apart and allowing me to breathe. I can still remember how warm he'd been when he pulled me into a loving but possessive embrace after Lavi had tried to hug me. I remember how many times Lavi had ended up in the infirmary from teasing Yuu about how 'cute' he looked holding his Moyashi, and how Tiedoll had almost gotten sent there after bawling about his son growing up too fast and telling me I'd better take good care of him, how Kanda had snapped saying that if anyone needed to be taken care of it was me. I'd laughed and teased him about it which had resulted in an all-out brawl between us, sending us both to the infirmary-even as lover's some things never changed.

We'd been pissed at the time but we quickly made up.

I wipe away tears that threaten to fall once more and blink in surprise when I feel the pain in my chest start to lessen. It's still there, but as I stare at the sketch, a perfect image of my favorite memory, I feel the pain lessen from a burning agony into a dull ache and longing.

I carefully pull the picture from within the box, holding it as carefully as I can for fear of damaging something that has become so precious in just a matter of seconds, and run my fingers over the simple yet elegant lotus blossoms that are carefully carved into the silver frame, but my eyes don't leave the picture of my beloved and I, the perfect drawing of my favorite memory.

I curl up on the bed, holding the picture tight to my chest as tears burn at my eyes once more. Maybe I can't curl up in my lover's chest anymore while his arms wrap around me, pulling me as close as possible, but I can still see his face and remember his warmth and, somehow, that makes things a little more bearable.

The pain will never fully fade - I know that, but so long as I keep moving, maybe the day will come when I'll be returned to his arms.

I close my eyes, a sad half-smile pulling at my lips, and let sleep claim me, still clutching the picture of my beloved and silently vowing to do what was written above the lotus.

_To 'keep his memory alive'_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! ^_^  
> ❤ Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated ❤  
> Tumblr: Starisia.tumblr.com


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